In the weeds

I recently read an article where the writer was a mom of young kids and her life revolved around them. She was trying to explain and apologize to her friends because she was “in the weeds.” She was too busy caring for her little ones who required so much of her to be a good friend. She felt bad for not responding to emails or phone calls. And she reminded her friends that it won’t last forever.

My immediate thought was it will for me. The season of our son requiring everything of me isn’t going to end anytime soon.

He will need me to tie his shoes year after year.

He will need me to change his diapers or help with toileting forever.

He will require supervision always.

He won’t move out and move on.

I’m going to be in the weeds forever.

And let me tell you that the weeds can be a lonely, scary, overwhelming place to be. I know every mother has been here. You’ve been exhausted from countless sleepless nights. Or worried about an illness going around your house or community. You’ve been pulled in every direction known to man, and have no time for yourself. You go to bed too late and wake up counting the hours until bedtime. You’ve had to cancel an event that you’ve looked forward to all week because of a sick kid. Haven’t we all been there?

But for some of us the season of being waist deep in caring for our child won’t end. For parents like me, the weeds are where we live.

One thing I can say about the weeds is that although it can be extremely lonely, I know I’m not alone.

Every moment I feel grief wash over me, I know another mother is feeling the same. Every second I feel out of place or that I don’t belong, I know there’s a mom who gets it. When the day is long and I’m tired of fighting for what our son deserves I can hear another mom telling me “you got this.” When I’m feeling so isolated and exhausted that I start crying while wiping the crumbs off of my stove, I know that unfortunately there’s another mom sitting on the bathroom floor crying with me. Every dream I let go of I know another mom has done the same.  I know I’m not alone in the weeds, and oddly enough, that brings me some comfort.

Another thing about the weeds. There’s joy. And a lot of it.

I know that every moment I’m pushing our son to be stronger, there’s another mom enduring hours of appointments to achieve another goal. Every time I’m over the moon about something seemingly insignificant I know without a doubt there is another mom crying tears of joy with me. Every smile is cataloged into my memory. Every giggle is recorded in my mind. No moment is wasted or taken for granted, and I know with every fiber of my being that there are other moms who feel the exact same way. There are far too many moms who know that each and every day is truly a gift.

You may be here. You might be in the weeds too. It may be a season or a lifetime.

But just know that I’m here. You aren’t alone, I’ll be here for awhile.

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3 Replies to “In the weeds”

  1. Know that you are a remarkable woman, and excellent mother, and a great inspiration. Every day I wish that I lived close enough to join you “in the weeds” and help in some way. Christopher is thriving, and he is thriving because of your loving care and your devotion. I know that there are many people who love you and want to be there for you, although I am far away and of little assistance please know that I am one of them.

  2. A special needs Mom group on Facebook posted this blog. I so feel for you as I’ve been there waiting for that treat with a friend that has little patience for such outbursts when my son just couldn’t stand it and we had to sprint out of there. He’s 11 now and things in some ways are a bit better, but then there are still….sigh…things that aren’t so fantastic either. I hope you get some improvements over time and can take a well earned break from time to time. It is a marathon not a sprint as I see someone told you at the beginning too of this diagnosis. You are never alone, but yes, it feels lonely, so many of us get that and would love to be your friend, if only…we could…or our children would give us a moment to do so!

    1. Sarah thank you so much for your kind words! I so appreciate you and your encouraging words. Friendship sounds wonderful. 🙂

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