Our divine gift

Little by little the thread starts to unravel. It starts out just a tiny piece hanging from the edge of the fabric, barely noticeable. Then it pulls a little more. Then more. All of a sudden it’s so big and you had no idea how it got like that and when.

When did I start fraying?

I didn’t realize parts of me were fraying. I didn’t realize that there were parts of me that had been through so much in such a short time and they were so sad, full of grief. I tend to tuck things away. I hide them so I can keep moving forward.  I didn’t realize that when I hid them they were weighing down my tiny little thread. And it was pulling and pulling, little by little, every single time I shoved away my grief.

Traumatic events, like losing my dad. Or learning our son has a life threatening illness with severe developmental delay. And having a young son with generalized anxiety disorder. I was fraying and didn’t even know it. For the last 5 years I have been ensuring that no one else frays. I have made appointments, done daily cares, had sleepless nights, days of grief, and weeks of worry. Of course there is tremendous joy in our family. I’m not a sad person, if you know me you know that I am always always looking for the silver lining and I never ever sweat the small stuff.  This is why I was so surprised that my tiny thread had pulled so much and made a hole. A hole full of grief, sadness, anger, and jealousy.

Until you came along, Theodore.

Call me crazy, but I think my dad had something to do with you. I think that my tiny unraveling thread needed some attention.

I can’t quite explain it. I can’t quite explain how each day my hole is starting to piece back together. I have always found joy each and every day. I have always looked on the bright side and had a positive outlook. I have always been grateful for moments with my family, and not taken seemingly small things for granted.

But this is different. I am truly in awe of life and incredibly blessed. I am overflowing with joy. Watching you grow and thrive these last 6 months has helped me piece myself back together. Helped me patch the hole that grew and grew without me even realizing it.

Life just caught up to me. Being a parent is more than just tough. Caring for a child with significant needs is exhausting and overwhelming. In my world I am surrounded by fear, worry, and grief. Sometimes our thread pulls a little too much and we are left with an open space and we are too busy to even acknowledge it’s there.

I didn’t even realize I was fraying. I didn’t even know I needed to be patched back up. But someone else knew. And we were sent the most amazing gift. Our divine gift.